Blowing up over nothing?

Blood sugar: 8.0

So, I’m in inpatient treatment. It’s a long story and I can’t be fussed with most of it but I couldn’t cope and I wound up in here. It’s day 6 and I’ve blown up so much due to fluid retention from the insulin. I was in the general hospital in full DKA for 3 days and then got admitted to the Priory EDU unit in Chelmsford and thus I am here.

Tom and I broke up for about a week. I have no idea what was going through my head, I don’t know why I did it. All I know is that I forgot my medication and everything went wrong. I was so unstable; I could hardly get out of bed for a week and it began to scare me. I was thin but I couldn’t do anything. It was pointless. I was tired, I gave up. Some may call me weak, some may call me strong. I don’t know what to think anymore.

I’m not coping too well here. I just have this overwhelming desire to hurt myself… I sound like a total freak, but when you have something taken away from you that you’re so used to hurting yourself with, all sorts of emotions come out. Not to mention I feel huge, especially in comparison to all the anorexic girls here, they  must look at me and think, ‘Thank god I’m not like her.’ Yes, I’m a normal weight, but it’s hard for me to accept that. I’m sleeping an awful lot as an avoidance, I’ve never slept so much in my life except the last time I was here, I can’t feel big when I’m dozing away the hours. I don’t know how I can nap so much in the day and then fall asleep at 10pm. It’s starting to depress me but there’s nothing else to do. I’ll be at home this weekend and I can make a concious decision; be well, or be unwell. I haven’t made it yet. Part of me just wants to go home, mess up, come back, admit that I’ve messed up and part of me wants to go home and be successful. I know I could easily go home this weekend and get myself into full blown DKA by Sunday evening and I so desperately want to but also I don’t. It’s an ongoing battle in my head… letting go of the ED or not letting go of the ED.

Well, time for my basal insulin now. I hope I don’t cry like I did the other night, Jesus. The person supervising my insulin just asked me why I was crying and I wanted to scream. Why do you think?

June 24, 2009. diabetes, eating disorder, inpatient, Tom. Leave a comment.

A New Look

Blood sugar: 16.2
So today was my first day at New Look, and I awoke to a lovely blood sugar of 32.5. Panicking, I injected a load of insulin and I’ve been on my feet all day and it’s only just come down to 16 so I’m a little gutted. I’m putting it down to the stress of starting a new job, but I’m not sure. I want to go to the gym tonight but I have a feeling I’ll be way too tired; I haven’t worked for an entire year and just a few hours knackers me out. I’m at home now waiting to go to the diabetes centre for a full MOT and then it’s back to work until 6pm.

I’m nervous about the diabetes centre; I’m having my eyes checked and I’m so scared they might turn round and tell me I’m losing my sight. If they do, I’ll just need to deal with it as best I can. Fingers crossed nothing’s wrong. I know I already have nerve damage in my feet and possibly my hands as I get foot pain and pins and needles quite a lot, but I think I’m lucky to only have that at this point. I also know my growth was stunted, I was meant to be 5ft 8/ft 9ish and I’m 5ft 4 but that might change if good control prevails. I shall update  later to say what happened at the check up. My HBA1C will be rubbish, beware!

Tom is off to Canada on Sunday and I’m dreading it, I’m going to miss him so much. So so much. 10 days at his was lovely and it was weird coming home.. weird as hell. It was nice to be back in my room, though. I guess. I’m excited for September – though the access course here is full the one in Bristol isn’t so I’m going to look in to moving there and hopefully going in to student halls and it’s likely that I’m eligable for a bursary to help with living costs. I’m really happy about that, I’ve written to the welfare team to see if I could get some help and I’m waiting to hear back. Fingers and toes crossed!

May 11, 2009. diabetes, New Look. Leave a comment.

Tough Luck

Blood sugar – 11.5

So today I found out I didn’t get on my college course that I applied for months and months ago, and I’m really annoyed because it’s a course that enables me to get in to university next year. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Tom and I sent the college a rather desperate email asking to reconsider my application but I don’t know that they’re going to. I called my mum to let her know and the second I heard her voice I wanted to cry about it but I didn’t; that would have got me nowhere. I felt pretty crap about it for an hour or so because it makes everything feel a bit bleak but then I cheered up – a solution will come, I hope.

Meanwhile, with the diabetes, I’m on day six of insulin after skipping it and so far I’ve not gained that much fluid/weight. 3lbs or so, maybe. The fluid in my legs was very painful last night but tonight it’s not so bad.

Anyway, just a short first opening blog to introduce myself but now I must dash as Tom is dozing away peacefully next to me and I’m quite jealous.

May 5, 2009. college, diabetes, eating disorder. Leave a comment.