Blowing up over nothing?
Blood sugar: 8.0
So, I’m in inpatient treatment. It’s a long story and I can’t be fussed with most of it but I couldn’t cope and I wound up in here. It’s day 6 and I’ve blown up so much due to fluid retention from the insulin. I was in the general hospital in full DKA for 3 days and then got admitted to the Priory EDU unit in Chelmsford and thus I am here.
Tom and I broke up for about a week. I have no idea what was going through my head, I don’t know why I did it. All I know is that I forgot my medication and everything went wrong. I was so unstable; I could hardly get out of bed for a week and it began to scare me. I was thin but I couldn’t do anything. It was pointless. I was tired, I gave up. Some may call me weak, some may call me strong. I don’t know what to think anymore.
I’m not coping too well here. I just have this overwhelming desire to hurt myself… I sound like a total freak, but when you have something taken away from you that you’re so used to hurting yourself with, all sorts of emotions come out. Not to mention I feel huge, especially in comparison to all the anorexic girls here, they must look at me and think, ‘Thank god I’m not like her.’ Yes, I’m a normal weight, but it’s hard for me to accept that. I’m sleeping an awful lot as an avoidance, I’ve never slept so much in my life except the last time I was here, I can’t feel big when I’m dozing away the hours. I don’t know how I can nap so much in the day and then fall asleep at 10pm. It’s starting to depress me but there’s nothing else to do. I’ll be at home this weekend and I can make a concious decision; be well, or be unwell. I haven’t made it yet. Part of me just wants to go home, mess up, come back, admit that I’ve messed up and part of me wants to go home and be successful. I know I could easily go home this weekend and get myself into full blown DKA by Sunday evening and I so desperately want to but also I don’t. It’s an ongoing battle in my head… letting go of the ED or not letting go of the ED.
Well, time for my basal insulin now. I hope I don’t cry like I did the other night, Jesus. The person supervising my insulin just asked me why I was crying and I wanted to scream. Why do you think?
alis volat propiis 